I know a lot of people submit their stories here and it helps others so I figured I would. It’s long so bear with me.

I grew up with a very abusive and neglective father. Although my mother divorced him, I still had to see him every other weekend. He drank so much he would ignore me most of the day. At night is when it got really bad and he would scream and yell and throw things at my step mom and the occasional gun to the head as well. I’d go to the bathroom and lock the door and he’d start kicking it telling me to come out. He was an awful human. He ignored me to the point also that he was allowing my neighbor to take me into closets and show me how to “touch myself” I was only 7, she was 13. 

Around 12 I stopped talking to my dad but it was hard I went into a huge depression stage started self harm. It’s really hard to want someone to love you but they really just don’t and it’s not your brain trying to convince you they don’t.. they really just don’t. That’s how it was with my dad, he was still my dad he just was shitty. 

14-16 was when it got really bad and I started getting back pain, so I had a lot of pain killers and I’d take so many I couldn’t move. I had an abusive boyfriend who forced me to have sex with him and say awful things to me. I’d hear voices and feel like I needed to rip my skin off. I’d have very aggressive outbursts and wouldn’t remember anything I did during that time. It felt like my brain was exploding.

We went to doctors they tried to say I was just depressed or anxious would prescribe me anti depressants and they never helped. At 18 I finally was old enough to do what I wanted and went to a psychiatrist and that’s when I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ptsd, schizophrenia (not otherwise specified), and psychosis. I got put on medication it stabilized me a lot but the idea of being mentally unstable was hard to accept. Knowing I’d never be normal, never be able to fully control my moods, not knowing if anyone could ever love me this way, I’m crazy, worthless, and was terrified of this title I was given.

I’m 21 now and I think for the most part I’ve accepted who I am. It gets hard sometimes because I still have really bad days. I’ll have days where I cycle moods so fast I just start crying because I wish I could be normal. I have a boyfriend who DOES accept me for who I am. He tries to understand my disorders and works with me when I go downhill. He supports me and treats me very well. He is definitely my backbone and makes everything so much easier. 

I guess the moral is, you can have an awful past. You can be mentally ill by definition. But it DOES get better eventually. There was many times I felt like I wanted to die and I still do sometimes. I tried a lot when I was younger and always failed but I’m glad I did. Things get better, you just have to stick around to see it. You might think there’s no way you can wait that long for things to get better, but trust me you can. Demons in your head sucks, I know from experience, but you have to fight them. You don’t have to get controlled by the demons, tell them to stfu and overcome the difficulties and be happy.

Well you see ever since I was little I always knew I was different then other kids. I didn’t have friends except one girl we best friends the day she was born I was at the hospital when she was born of course I don’t remember it I was a baby to.  Well my best friend was named Emily. She didn’t go to the same school as me though but at school I was made fun of constantly for being different I would cry all the time for being picked on I hated it school sometimes memories kinda strike and I hate being the way I am all over again. Well when I was in 2nd grade Emily died. She died having a seat belt strangle her to death it was broken her dad didn’t know it did that to her until the end of the car ride. Then her death gave me suicidal thoughts at the age of 7. When I went in the pool I would try to drown myself but my brother would pull me up and ask what I was doing I just said I wanted to see how long I could holding my breath. I didn’t have a friend until the 3rd grade I was depressed and always upset the summer before third grade I remember telling myself I would make a friend I will try to fit in somewhere. Well that year I became best friends with a girl name Catherine who is actually still my best friend today she was my only friend for awhile until the next year where I had gained a couple more. But I was still being bullied and still having a hard time with myself but honestly Catherine thought I was really happy all the time until 6th grade. I remember her saying she loved how I didn’t care what anyone thought of me in reality I did infront of everyone I just pretended there rude comments didn’t hurt. 5th grade came and I remember having more friends I ever had in my life at that point I had like 7 friends not a lot but to me they were. I remember thinking that was the best year of my life until the end of 5th grade came along my Dad got really sick and we just thought he had a cough but they sent him to the hospital and he ended up dying. That is when my suicidal thoughts got really bad. I remember the whole year in 6th grade I honestly didn’t care about what anyone said about me I already felt like shit nothing anyone could say could hurt me more than I already felt and when someone asked me about my dad I would smile and say yeah he is dead not because I was happy because if I didn’t I would cry. I remember a kid in my class kept asking about my dad and I felt like I was about to cry and then my teacher saw that and the teacher was actually friends with my dad and told the kid to stop and let me go to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. I was a bitch to everyone that year and I didn’t care that was my payback to everyone who was mean to me over the years pretty much everyone hated me. I said sorry to everyone at the end of the year for what I did and said to them most of them forgave me. Then 7th grade started I became shy and antisocial then ever. Catherine even didn’t really talk to me this year she said I was “too depressing” that year probably why she is ignoring me now anyway that year I became friends with a girl Amanda she seemed nice at first but then she got everyone to make fun and bully me she would make me shake and cry when she stepped in my direction and talked to me she gave me nightmares I started cutting because I was being bullied by her and all her friends. She was popular and pretty so a lot of people listened to her she got this girl Bailey on her said and they would call me ugly fat and worthless everyday and made me cry Got all there friends to pick on me they made my life living hell. During the summer I met this guy we dated for a long time until I found out he was using me for sex he never loved me like I loved him he finnaly made me feel worth something only to take it all away. 8th grade came and my friend Autumn was dating this guy Daniel my brother was friends with him and I was talking to him at my brothers ROTC thing and he told Autumn we made out we never did at all. We get back to school on Monday she is screaming at me calling me a pathetic whore I didn’t know what was going on she pulled up her sleeves and told me this is what I made her do. She said ” I knew you liked him ” Autumn was popular and she got a lot of people to hate me and yet the cycle comes around again I was being bullied my brother stopped being friends with that guy again. This year I don’t know what happened but everything in school is good again. No people bullying me still the suicidal thoughts and cutting but not as bad as everything was. I am adding to this Someone close to me committed suicide that girl Emily I mentioned earlier in this her dad died. He had a little boy Johnathon and then two other children it is so horrible. He was like my second dad and I just miss him.

In 2006, I was in grade 1. I was a rounder, stronger girl. I was six years old and I remember sitting next to my two best friends. Caden and Dakota. I remember how I was built like them, not like a ‘girl’s frame’ I had broad shoulders, big hands, round face, and muscles. I remember looking across the room seeing all these girls who were skinny, and wishing to look like them. That year was the first year I was bullied. Four years later, 2010, I was ten years old and still putting up with the names, looking like the boys and everything like that. I remember starting to feel full after just a small plate of food, and everyone else had two small plates. Two years later, on February 27th, 2012, I was twelve years old and I stopped eating. No one really noticed. I stayed in my room, ‘doing homework’ or ‘sleeping’ but really, I was just breaking.` I would look at all these pictures of models and that was my motivation, to look like them. After a while, my parents got suspicious and would make sure I ate every meal. So for the first week it worked, until I learned about bulimia. So, I decided to eat in front of my family, then excuse myself to the bathroom, and puke up everything I ate. That same year, on July 27th, I took my first blade to my wrist. I cut for the times I was bullied, I cut for the stress, for the yelling matches that went on between my parents, for the times I did something wrong, for everything. It all became too much. On September 29th, I tried to overdose. I didn’t succeed due to my brother who found me. Still being determined to leave this awful world, I attempted suicide on October 12th, which was my 13th birthday. I was close to my birthday wish, I had the knife in my stomach, and I was found by my brother once again, lying on the floor in a puddle of my own blood. To this day, I still am anorexic, and when I eat, I am bulimic. I also cut multiple times a day. I am now thirteen and keep this smile on my face. Only my family and teachers know about attempts of suicide. And everything is building up, and I am close to being pushed over the edge once more.

I never really thought that I was depressed as I was younger, but now I know I was.
This girl in first grade stole my best friend, and all 3 of us hung out but, I just felt ignored. In 3rd or 4th grade, I had a stomach problem, it hurt so much everyday, I almost had to get my stomach pumped. That made me very sensitive. I thought about dying every day, I cried so much scared that I was going to die, or have to go to the hospital. It was just that my digestive system is wacky, it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Then comes middle school. I basically got bullied a ton. I mean bullies from my elementry school, and ones from my new school. 7th grade was the worst, I was called a loner and everything, I tried everything to get accepted.

I cried in class a ton. I mean no one even noticed I felt horrible. I just felt alone each day. I’m surprised I didn’t even attempt self harm, I don’t know how I got through that.
Fast forward to the first year of high school. I didn’t get bullied for the first time in my life and made amazing friends. I felt so good. I already knew I’ve had depression. I still felt alone and just awful all the time. 
I had a guy thing happen. I mean I’ve never went out with a guy or kissed one or anything. He was an ass, nothing happened though. I still wish that I didn’t even like him because he’s just not worth anything.
Come to this year. I’m so stressed out about school, I have to get a job this year, when I turn 16, and I am so scared of people. Working with them. I have all these feelings, and I want to talk to my internet friend about it but things don’t feel the same between us anymore, and I don’t want to bother them.
I feel like I am falling apart…I also started self harming, scratching, pinching, digging my nails into my skin. I still feel like shit and I just feel like I’m nearing a breakdown, I want to cry all the time and can’t take school.
I just hope there’s a better future out there for me. I just hope I’ll be okay. 

My name is Ilana. I’m 19. I never thought I would ever become depressed… until now.

I dated this guy for about a year and 1/2… but he wasn’t always there for me. He started neglecting and ignoring me. I knew I should’ve just ended it when I have the chance, but I didn’t - I loved him. At school, I met someone who gave me the support, love, and attention my boyfriend didn’t give me… so I stupidly cheated.

I never thought my boyfriend was going to find out… boy was I wrong. Over the summer, everything was going fine. I found out the guy I cheated with failed out of school, so I didn’t think it was much of a big deal anymore. When my boyfriend and I broke up on our 16-17 month.. about 2 weeks later, he started dating someone else… like really?! Are you shitting me?! Like clearly you didn’t care about me asshole.

About 2 weeks later, when I was in Maryland for my cousin’s bridal shower, I got a Facebook message from my ex… saying that he found out I cheated. Needless to say he called me a lying whore, and never wanted to speak to me ever again.. but c’mon… a FACEBOOK message?! He wasn’t even mature enough to call me. BAHAHA!

Well… a few weeks after this all went down started my slight depression - I cut for the first time. I blamed myself for everything. I felt worthless. I felt disgusted with myself.

But I was about to start a new year of school.. and I wasn’t gonna let anything get to me. I wanted to be strong - for my sake. I met this guy, and we’ve been dating now for about 4 months.

But recently all of my thoughts have come back. I started going to therapy to try to make sense of everything.. and about a week or so ago, I relapsed - after being cut free for 3 months. Now, since then, my mind has been like a hamster wheel spinning at least 200 mph. I feel alone even in a crowd of people. All I want to do is scream… but all I can is remain silent. I’ve been in bed almost all weekend, and all I want to do is cut - over and over again. I’m broken. My mind has overpowered me. I’m scared. I’m convinced I’m depressed… and I’m scared I’m gonna lose my boyfriend… because he has no idea what it’s like to feel this way. He doesn’t understand what I’m going through. He has no idea what he got himself into - being in a relationship with someone who is as broken as me.

I’m trying so hard to stay strong… but I can’t be strong forever.

~ Ilana

I’m Linn & I’m currently 13 years old. (:

I live in this world just like the rest of you, & I’m not to fond of it. I live with my brother, mother, and father. We have two cats and one dog whom I love very much. <3

I have never officially been diagnosed with depression, but I used to consider myself depressed. I also like to consider that I have beaten depression. I found my answers all through music and words.

At a concert presented by TWLOHA, I beat depression. It’s quite amazing actually. I absolutely love music, and my brother, father, and I went to see a band(Now, Now) in concert there. I didn’t know much about the concert, but I am a big fan of Now, Now and Will Anderson from Parachute.

We went to the concert, and before the bands began to do their thing, they had this video play. It talked about how TWLOHA was a non-profit organization and that this concert was simply to get you moving and happy.

The first band, Satellite, came out and started to play. I payed close attention to the lyrics of the songs, and I instantly fell in love with this band.

There was a short intermission, I guess you could call it, after Satellite played. They changed up the stage a little, and a founder of TWLOHA was talking to the crowd. I don’t remember what he was talking about, but every word slightly changed me.

Now, Now began to play after the man was done talking. My brother was in love with Now, Now, and I later became a fan of the band as well(We actually only went to see this band).

I enjoyed the music they played, and the next “intermission” began to start. A different guy, I think another founder, began to talk. He talked mainly about his life and that you aren’t alone. There was a phrase he said that changed my life. “I knew what it was life to wear shame on my own wrists,” he said(I’m not sure what exactly he said, but it was something similar to that).

I am personally a self-harmer, but I am trying to quit. That sentence changed my life forever. I promised myself never again would I ever self-harm that moment.

The man then finished talking, and he introduced Will Anderson to the stage. Will Anderson was personally my favorite of the whole night. I absolutely love him, & I knew him way before Now, Now.

It was amazing to see him perform live on stage. He played one or two songs that I didn’t know, but the rest I knew. All of them were my favorite songs, and I yearn to see Will again. <3

Another “intermission” began, and a different guy began to recite poems he had wrote himself. He read us two of his poems, one about his wife and the another I don’t remember what about. He is an absolutely talented writer, and I admire him.

He introduced onto the stage, Anthony Raneri from Bayside. Anthony was absolutely amazing, and I also fell in love with his music.

The next “intermission” was the same guy that gave the first “intermission.” He just tried to make the crowd laugh, and then he began to talk about how this whole organization began.

TWLOHA started as an organization making slight profits. These guys, including the one telling the story, had met this girl. She was depressed, suicidal, and they had found out over the past 5 or 6 days that she had attempted suicide more than once.

She told them her story, and the guy telling the story had written her story(it was about one or two pages long) down. He titled the story “To Write Love On Her Arms.” This was just the beginning.

They made a page on Myspace about this organization, and they started to sell t-shirts to where the money would go to treatment for the girl. More and more people started to find out about this page.

One day, the guy telling the story was backstage at a concert to where he would sell the shirts. His friend was a musician and was about to go on stage when he asked him if he would wear one of the shirts. He told him it was fine, and the man went on stage in the shirt. He told them a little bit about the shirts, and how they were being sold at the merchandise table.

After that day, the project grew and grew. At first it was just people inside the Florida area, but then it grew to more places around the US. Then to people all around the world.

More and more people started to buy the shirts and items. They then used to profits to all sorts of things. They gave the money to people who needed the money for recovering, and not just the girl they had gathered the money for.

The project grew and grew to where it is today.

The man wrapped up his story and introduced Jon Foreman to the stage. Jon let Anthony Raneri tag along for the first song. They finished the song, and Anthony left the stage.

Jon began his own act and sung about 3 songs, then introduced the members of his band, Fiction Family. They played, and they were amazing. I enjoyed every second of their time playing.

As they left the stage, people began chanting for another song. Fiction Family then came back on stage and announced that to wrap up the show, they would welcome everyone else back on stage.

All the other acts came on stage(except Jess Abbott from Now, Now to which I was very disappointed about). They sang a cover of David Bowie song of which I don’t recall the name of. They wrapped up the show with that song, and the cover was absolutely extravagant.

We left the stage, and my brother and I went out to the merchandise table. I bought a TWLOHA shirt, as did my brother who bought something else. We then went out to meet some of the people who performed.

We first met Will Anderson, and I got an autograph followed by a picture with him. I told him I was a huge fan of his, and I wanted to tell him that he changed my life tonight, but I didn’t want my dad to get suspicious.

We then met Now, Now who I have met before back in November 2012. My brother and I got a picture with them, and my dad got one separate.

My dad, brother, and I then left to our car(by the way, we got free parking!). I went home one of the happiest girls alive. I knew in that moment I had beaten depression. Depression could not win over me.

I’m the girl that beat depression through music.

(It’s funny because all that ^^^ happened yesterday, 2/16/13 <3)

——

hello lovelies! I’m currently writing a book about a self-harming, suicidal, anorexic teenager. I want this book to be as realistic as possible, and for that, I need your help. tell me your story, long or short, anon or not, happy or sad, I want to know. I really need this as a base for my novel. stay strong<3

not an anon: click here

anon: click here