I know a lot of people submit their stories here and it helps others so I figured I would. It’s long so bear with me.

I grew up with a very abusive and neglective father. Although my mother divorced him, I still had to see him every other weekend. He drank so much he would ignore me most of the day. At night is when it got really bad and he would scream and yell and throw things at my step mom and the occasional gun to the head as well. I’d go to the bathroom and lock the door and he’d start kicking it telling me to come out. He was an awful human. He ignored me to the point also that he was allowing my neighbor to take me into closets and show me how to “touch myself” I was only 7, she was 13. 

Around 12 I stopped talking to my dad but it was hard I went into a huge depression stage started self harm. It’s really hard to want someone to love you but they really just don’t and it’s not your brain trying to convince you they don’t.. they really just don’t. That’s how it was with my dad, he was still my dad he just was shitty. 

14-16 was when it got really bad and I started getting back pain, so I had a lot of pain killers and I’d take so many I couldn’t move. I had an abusive boyfriend who forced me to have sex with him and say awful things to me. I’d hear voices and feel like I needed to rip my skin off. I’d have very aggressive outbursts and wouldn’t remember anything I did during that time. It felt like my brain was exploding.

We went to doctors they tried to say I was just depressed or anxious would prescribe me anti depressants and they never helped. At 18 I finally was old enough to do what I wanted and went to a psychiatrist and that’s when I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ptsd, schizophrenia (not otherwise specified), and psychosis. I got put on medication it stabilized me a lot but the idea of being mentally unstable was hard to accept. Knowing I’d never be normal, never be able to fully control my moods, not knowing if anyone could ever love me this way, I’m crazy, worthless, and was terrified of this title I was given.

I’m 21 now and I think for the most part I’ve accepted who I am. It gets hard sometimes because I still have really bad days. I’ll have days where I cycle moods so fast I just start crying because I wish I could be normal. I have a boyfriend who DOES accept me for who I am. He tries to understand my disorders and works with me when I go downhill. He supports me and treats me very well. He is definitely my backbone and makes everything so much easier. 

I guess the moral is, you can have an awful past. You can be mentally ill by definition. But it DOES get better eventually. There was many times I felt like I wanted to die and I still do sometimes. I tried a lot when I was younger and always failed but I’m glad I did. Things get better, you just have to stick around to see it. You might think there’s no way you can wait that long for things to get better, but trust me you can. Demons in your head sucks, I know from experience, but you have to fight them. You don’t have to get controlled by the demons, tell them to stfu and overcome the difficulties and be happy.

And its sad, and it hurts, and it makes me angry. It honestly does. It makes me want to shake you and yell, “Stop it. Think about it. Really think, your life, your life is important. Anyone who says differently, well, screw them. You belong here, and there are things you can’t even imagine in this world that you haven’t experienced. You aren’t stuck! You are beautiful and smart and you are going to get through this so dont even tell me you are going to give up. Dont tell yourself that.”

It bothers me. Not because I don’t understand. I do, I used to feel that way. But upon thinking back on it… I was lying to myself then, telling myself lies. Telling myself the world would be fine if I wasnt in it. But thats a lie. YOU HEAR ME? A LIE.

So for everyones sake, for your sake, HOLD ON!!!
-Ashley