so right now I suffer from depression, paranoia and anxiety, but things were a lot about 11 months ago…

I had a best friend. her name was Tiitu. we had known each other for only three years, but those three years were the best of my life. every day I found myself loving tiitu more and more, but as a friend. she was the reason I wanted to smile and she was the only one who didn’t bully me at school (including the teachers) but I didn’t care about the others, it was just us two.

april 2012 she got diagnosed with smallpox. it’s like chicken pox but… worse. way worse. I wasn’t allowed to see her, and I cried myself to sleep everyday because now I didn’t have a reason to smile, I didn’t have anyone to light up my day. my parents were fighting, my sister was anorexic and an alcoholic, there was nobody I could turn to. april 22nd, Tiitu passed away, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

school was a month away from ending, and because the principal had some form of sympathy towards me she gave me two days off school. when the third day came, and I had to go to school, I couldn’t get out of bed. I mean, what was the point? everyone would bully me, because no matter how bad things were they wouldn’t care. they still would continue. so I quit school for the last month, I didn’t go. instead, I was brought to a psychiatric clinic, since I didn’t speak, eat or sleep at all. I lost 10 kg of weight in a month, I’m not sure how much that is in pounds, but try to figure it out. anyway, I lived at the clinic for two months until I got discharged. they told me I had severe depression, but I didn’t speak until we moved away from our old home. from the city I had met best friend and lost her. 

I said my first word on the first day of july, to my 7th therapist then, and I said “I want to die”, which was true; I really, really wanted to just die. I had nothing to live for. nothing was okay, and they never were going to be. at least so I thought… and still do.

the only thing I did for the rest of the summer holiday was listen to music, go cycling and watch tv. I made my parents think I ate, when in reality I threw everything up in my room upstairs. I still can’t look at that toilet bowl.

I started talking better again on the first day of school here where I live now - I talked to a new girl at the school as well called Kimberley. turns out she wasn’t so nice, so I don’t really talk to her.

now… I go to therapy 9 hours a week. sometimes I skip it, but the people there understand. I don’t cry myself to sleep, but on the 22nd of april I hope I will be cured from this horrible disease, this jail I was forced into by the cause of my best friend’s death. I know I don’t deserve this, but somehow I also do. my life is an organized mess, but that’s the girl I want to be. I’m the girl who’s life is an organized mess, and will always hopefully be. 

Well you see ever since I was little I always knew I was different then other kids. I didn’t have friends except one girl we best friends the day she was born I was at the hospital when she was born of course I don’t remember it I was a baby to.  Well my best friend was named Emily. She didn’t go to the same school as me though but at school I was made fun of constantly for being different I would cry all the time for being picked on I hated it school sometimes memories kinda strike and I hate being the way I am all over again. Well when I was in 2nd grade Emily died. She died having a seat belt strangle her to death it was broken her dad didn’t know it did that to her until the end of the car ride. Then her death gave me suicidal thoughts at the age of 7. When I went in the pool I would try to drown myself but my brother would pull me up and ask what I was doing I just said I wanted to see how long I could holding my breath. I didn’t have a friend until the 3rd grade I was depressed and always upset the summer before third grade I remember telling myself I would make a friend I will try to fit in somewhere. Well that year I became best friends with a girl name Catherine who is actually still my best friend today she was my only friend for awhile until the next year where I had gained a couple more. But I was still being bullied and still having a hard time with myself but honestly Catherine thought I was really happy all the time until 6th grade. I remember her saying she loved how I didn’t care what anyone thought of me in reality I did infront of everyone I just pretended there rude comments didn’t hurt. 5th grade came and I remember having more friends I ever had in my life at that point I had like 7 friends not a lot but to me they were. I remember thinking that was the best year of my life until the end of 5th grade came along my Dad got really sick and we just thought he had a cough but they sent him to the hospital and he ended up dying. That is when my suicidal thoughts got really bad. I remember the whole year in 6th grade I honestly didn’t care about what anyone said about me I already felt like shit nothing anyone could say could hurt me more than I already felt and when someone asked me about my dad I would smile and say yeah he is dead not because I was happy because if I didn’t I would cry. I remember a kid in my class kept asking about my dad and I felt like I was about to cry and then my teacher saw that and the teacher was actually friends with my dad and told the kid to stop and let me go to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. I was a bitch to everyone that year and I didn’t care that was my payback to everyone who was mean to me over the years pretty much everyone hated me. I said sorry to everyone at the end of the year for what I did and said to them most of them forgave me. Then 7th grade started I became shy and antisocial then ever. Catherine even didn’t really talk to me this year she said I was “too depressing” that year probably why she is ignoring me now anyway that year I became friends with a girl Amanda she seemed nice at first but then she got everyone to make fun and bully me she would make me shake and cry when she stepped in my direction and talked to me she gave me nightmares I started cutting because I was being bullied by her and all her friends. She was popular and pretty so a lot of people listened to her she got this girl Bailey on her said and they would call me ugly fat and worthless everyday and made me cry Got all there friends to pick on me they made my life living hell. During the summer I met this guy we dated for a long time until I found out he was using me for sex he never loved me like I loved him he finnaly made me feel worth something only to take it all away. 8th grade came and my friend Autumn was dating this guy Daniel my brother was friends with him and I was talking to him at my brothers ROTC thing and he told Autumn we made out we never did at all. We get back to school on Monday she is screaming at me calling me a pathetic whore I didn’t know what was going on she pulled up her sleeves and told me this is what I made her do. She said ” I knew you liked him ” Autumn was popular and she got a lot of people to hate me and yet the cycle comes around again I was being bullied my brother stopped being friends with that guy again. This year I don’t know what happened but everything in school is good again. No people bullying me still the suicidal thoughts and cutting but not as bad as everything was. I am adding to this Someone close to me committed suicide that girl Emily I mentioned earlier in this her dad died. He had a little boy Johnathon and then two other children it is so horrible. He was like my second dad and I just miss him.

Hi. I’m a girl at the age of 15, and this is my story.

When I was younger, I lived together with my younger sister, mom and dad. People thought that we were a completely normal family, with normal arguments and normal conversations. But they were wrong. To make this short, I was abused by my mom around maybe the age 5.
around the age at 6-8, I was a really shy girl. I’ve always been a shy girl, this was nothing that personally affected me from the start, but as older as I got, people used that in school.

in 3rd grade I was an outcast. I had my two best friends that always froze me out, I wasn’t good enough to play with them, I wasn’t good enough to walk with them, I wasn’t good enough to basically even talk with them. And everytime I asked someone if they wanted to hang out after school, they said they couldn’t, and the next second I saw them go home with someone else.

After that I switched school, but the new one wasn’t better, this was in 4th grade.
some people started to pick on me, call me shit, hit me and shoot for example footballs at me whenever I walked past them, or whenever they saw me. Even the boys picked on me and hit me.
Everyday I ran home crying, made excuses to go from class to run away home to my dad, which is my bestfriend and always has been. My bestfriend was the worst bestfriend I’ve ever had. She didn’t care about the people that bullied me, she just stood there, watching me get hurt, and just walked away.

After a while I switched school and got to a new one once again, with some people I had known since kindergarten. And this is at probably the age of 11-12.
 
From my other school I got into an easy depression, at around the age of 10. But I came over it, regained strength and got a new friend that I had been hanging out with since I was a little fetus.

But of course, even she let me down, I got bullied, once again. I locked myself into the toilet every once in a while, cried my heart out everyday. One day I even took my most loving piece of jewelry to hold whenever I got hurt, squeeze it and tell myself in the stall that I’m strong and didn’t deserve it. But that didn’t take me very far, I lost even more confidence than before.

The older I got, the more mess I got through. My dad, the only one I had and ever will have, got sick. He’s having a lot of problems with his heart, and sometimes it just stops. He’s really old and I know he won’t make it in the long run, cause he’s always so strong, and I admire him for that.

My mom and I don’t have a relation at all. Everything she does now a days is sleeping around with different guys, drinking and taking drugs, and the guys she sleeps with always calls me disgusting words I’ll always be disgusted by.

And me? Well, I fake a smile everywhere I go. I have nobody to trust, nobody to tell all these things to, I’ve hold this inside me for so long, and whenever I get home, I hear my dad coughing and trying to breath clearly, so I just run into my room, shut the door, lay down on the floor and cries for minutes and minutes. And that happens pretty much everyday. I’m sick of pretending i’m okay, when i’m not.

When I was 7, my dad was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and was sent away to Vancouver. I saw him twice before he died in November 2009 (I was 9 by that time) and then my mother disappeared. She hid in her room for the next 2 years on anti-depressants and didn’t allow any of us to grieve properly; I had to step in and be the mother of my siblings. Then she met someone else and moved him into our house without us getting to know him very well. That was the same year I found my baby book and found out that my dad was actually my step-dad. I still don’t know who my real dad is. When I turned 13 I started cutting myself to get attention from my peers and by 9th grade I was addicted to it. While I was in the 9th grade I was cheated on by a boyfriend of a few months and I began overdosing to help myself from feeling the hurt - I took between 25-40 pills a day for a month. I’m 17 now and I feel similar to a heroin addict; I tense up and shake when I want to cut and I hide alcohol in my room so if I feel like crying I can drink it away. I’ve put myself into (notverygood) counselling for my self harm, depression, EDNOS and whatever else I need a good psychiatrist to figure out and the only good thing about it has been that I have someone to talk to every week. Everything’s shit right now and I have to act like everything’s super but really I just want to have a breakdown every second of the day; I’m not sure how I’m going to continue my life.

-Paige 

CutterxConfessions

I was adopted from South Korea when I was five months old. Since I’m adopted I have attachment issues and it took me until I was about 16 to actually feel love towards my adoptive parents. I’m almost 18. I got really really attached to my first dog when I was 10. He was the first thing I knew I loved. Sadly he died a little over a year ago and it still breaks my heart. I have another dog and she is my world. Anyways. I have bipolar disorder and depression. I also have an eating disorder. I started to self harm sometime in middle school. I don’t remember when. I’ve overdosed four times. I was in a mental hospital for a week during my Christmas break of my sophomore year. I’ve had to be taken out of school for 3-4 months twice. The middle of my sophomore and junior year. I’m a senior now and I hit a really rough spot at the beginning of the year. I would refuse to go to school. I’ve missed about 30 days this year and the only reason I wasn’t counted truant was because I got doctors notes. I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy. But you know what? I’m happier than ever now. I may not have many friends but I have my family. They’ve stuck with me the whole way through. What I’m trying to say is that it does get better. It really does, then it’ll get bad again. It’s a cycle. But each time you’re stronger. I still have problems with bulimia but it’s getting better. Just keep your head held high. 

It all started when I was about ten. My mom always said i was too fat and needed to lose weight. I practically stopped eating then.mehen I was 11, I started cutting. I still cut occasionally. When I was twelve, the voices started and I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. At thirteen, I attempted suicide after my parents divorced. I was put in a mental hospital. Things just got worse. I’ve been in and out of mental hospitals for six years for self harm, anorexia, and suicide. I’ve gotten slightly better thanks to my best friend. I haven’t attempted in over 6 months. I’m trying my best to stay strong, but know eventually, I will break. I hope you all stay stronger than me.
~Katie Jo

When I was 10 years old, I met my bestfriend, he was there for me through out everything, no matter what. He was depressed, and suicidal, but he always said that I saved him. Me and him shared everything, and I loved him.
A couple of months later, he killed himself. I couldn’t save him. Suddenly all of my memories of him, the happy ones, the ones that people say ‘you want to remember’ turned into something haunting.
I couldn’t save him. For a whole year I carried around the guilt of knowing that I lost the only thing worth fighting for in my life. Then I turned to cutting, my best friend had did it, why couldn’t I? It started as  small, cat scratch like cuts, Not a lot of blood, not a lot of pain. But then as time progressed and I lost more people I cared about, it turned into something horrible. They were deep, and when they healed they were a sickish purple color. i hated myself, I became anorexic after constant bullying , people at my school called me fat everyday. It didn’t matter what I did; how much weight I lost, people hated me.
When I was 13, I tried committing suicide.  It didn’t work. I felt even more hopeless after that. I couldn’t even kill myself. I felt so alone, so empty, and then I met a guy. He was sweet and nice and understood my problems. I was with him for an entire year.
He was my everything, then he left too. He cheated on me, then got back together with me, then cheated on me again.
He told me I should kill myself. That I was the problem in mine & his relationship and that it was all my fault.
So I tried to kill myself, again.
Still no luck.
Then, one of my best guy friends, who had promised not to give up on me, left.
My parents started having knock-out fights. They were screaming and yelling at each other for anything and everything.
I tried asking for therapy but I was constantly put off.
Always told that ‘My problems were unimportant. That I was a drama-filled hormonal teenager’  
I turned to drugs and alcohol, and my cutting progressed to the worst point it has ever been. 
I am 14 , now.
I have 450 scars.
Every time I try to stop cutting, I fail. 
I have major depression that is extremely high & I am also Bi-Polar.

The only thing keeping me holding on, is the fact I know its what Kayiden would have wanted. ~  <3 

Okay so my life story.. Growing up I knew my older sister was different. She had depression I just never knew how bad till I got old and could really understand what it meant to be depressed. Last year my sister cut deep really really deep the first time she’s cut that I know of. I’m scared for her sometimes because I know certain things can trigger it. Her scars are really nasty but they remind me never to cut. If I ever want to I think of her. She’s also gay which I found out on my birthday last year. Her girlfriend is so sweet but I’m afraid if they ever break up who knows what my sister might do. She also has borderline which no one has really explained to me other then it makes her emotions stronger. Another thing is cancer it’s in my family. My great aunt had breast cancer so did my grandma and my mom. Because of my moms cancer my little sister has anxiety. It’s gotten better over the years but its still pretty bad. My grandpa had cancer also he died from his so did my cousin who was three years old when he died. It was hard on my whole family. Also my brother isn’t my brother he is actually my cousin. My aunt got into drugs and got to the point where she got caught and couldn’t take care of my him anymore. She also has another son who she lost to my grandma. And then there’s me wanting everything to be okay I’m afraid to tell people I’m not happy. My life is just a big mess. I like this kid but I’m not sure if I can date him again. I got hurt last time and I’m not sure if I’m ready. Then I’m always worrying about my best guy friend because he says he freaks out when he hears sirens because his dads the police chief. He also likes my best girl friend. But he’s not allowed to date yet. I found out a girl I’m close to cuts and I’m not sure how to help her because idk if she will listen to me. I’m one of those people that want everyone to be happy even if it means they aren’t. I’m not happy anymore. I don’t know what to do. I thought about suicide last night.. But I decided against it because I don’t want people to worry or for them to think it was their fault because they didn’t listen when I needed it. I don’t want to stress people out so I keep everything bottled up inside but I’m waiting, waiting for the day when it all comes out.

I’m Linn & I’m currently 13 years old. (:

I live in this world just like the rest of you, & I’m not to fond of it. I live with my brother, mother, and father. We have two cats and one dog whom I love very much. <3

I have never officially been diagnosed with depression, but I used to consider myself depressed. I also like to consider that I have beaten depression. I found my answers all through music and words.

At a concert presented by TWLOHA, I beat depression. It’s quite amazing actually. I absolutely love music, and my brother, father, and I went to see a band(Now, Now) in concert there. I didn’t know much about the concert, but I am a big fan of Now, Now and Will Anderson from Parachute.

We went to the concert, and before the bands began to do their thing, they had this video play. It talked about how TWLOHA was a non-profit organization and that this concert was simply to get you moving and happy.

The first band, Satellite, came out and started to play. I payed close attention to the lyrics of the songs, and I instantly fell in love with this band.

There was a short intermission, I guess you could call it, after Satellite played. They changed up the stage a little, and a founder of TWLOHA was talking to the crowd. I don’t remember what he was talking about, but every word slightly changed me.

Now, Now began to play after the man was done talking. My brother was in love with Now, Now, and I later became a fan of the band as well(We actually only went to see this band).

I enjoyed the music they played, and the next “intermission” began to start. A different guy, I think another founder, began to talk. He talked mainly about his life and that you aren’t alone. There was a phrase he said that changed my life. “I knew what it was life to wear shame on my own wrists,” he said(I’m not sure what exactly he said, but it was something similar to that).

I am personally a self-harmer, but I am trying to quit. That sentence changed my life forever. I promised myself never again would I ever self-harm that moment.

The man then finished talking, and he introduced Will Anderson to the stage. Will Anderson was personally my favorite of the whole night. I absolutely love him, & I knew him way before Now, Now.

It was amazing to see him perform live on stage. He played one or two songs that I didn’t know, but the rest I knew. All of them were my favorite songs, and I yearn to see Will again. <3

Another “intermission” began, and a different guy began to recite poems he had wrote himself. He read us two of his poems, one about his wife and the another I don’t remember what about. He is an absolutely talented writer, and I admire him.

He introduced onto the stage, Anthony Raneri from Bayside. Anthony was absolutely amazing, and I also fell in love with his music.

The next “intermission” was the same guy that gave the first “intermission.” He just tried to make the crowd laugh, and then he began to talk about how this whole organization began.

TWLOHA started as an organization making slight profits. These guys, including the one telling the story, had met this girl. She was depressed, suicidal, and they had found out over the past 5 or 6 days that she had attempted suicide more than once.

She told them her story, and the guy telling the story had written her story(it was about one or two pages long) down. He titled the story “To Write Love On Her Arms.” This was just the beginning.

They made a page on Myspace about this organization, and they started to sell t-shirts to where the money would go to treatment for the girl. More and more people started to find out about this page.

One day, the guy telling the story was backstage at a concert to where he would sell the shirts. His friend was a musician and was about to go on stage when he asked him if he would wear one of the shirts. He told him it was fine, and the man went on stage in the shirt. He told them a little bit about the shirts, and how they were being sold at the merchandise table.

After that day, the project grew and grew. At first it was just people inside the Florida area, but then it grew to more places around the US. Then to people all around the world.

More and more people started to buy the shirts and items. They then used to profits to all sorts of things. They gave the money to people who needed the money for recovering, and not just the girl they had gathered the money for.

The project grew and grew to where it is today.

The man wrapped up his story and introduced Jon Foreman to the stage. Jon let Anthony Raneri tag along for the first song. They finished the song, and Anthony left the stage.

Jon began his own act and sung about 3 songs, then introduced the members of his band, Fiction Family. They played, and they were amazing. I enjoyed every second of their time playing.

As they left the stage, people began chanting for another song. Fiction Family then came back on stage and announced that to wrap up the show, they would welcome everyone else back on stage.

All the other acts came on stage(except Jess Abbott from Now, Now to which I was very disappointed about). They sang a cover of David Bowie song of which I don’t recall the name of. They wrapped up the show with that song, and the cover was absolutely extravagant.

We left the stage, and my brother and I went out to the merchandise table. I bought a TWLOHA shirt, as did my brother who bought something else. We then went out to meet some of the people who performed.

We first met Will Anderson, and I got an autograph followed by a picture with him. I told him I was a huge fan of his, and I wanted to tell him that he changed my life tonight, but I didn’t want my dad to get suspicious.

We then met Now, Now who I have met before back in November 2012. My brother and I got a picture with them, and my dad got one separate.

My dad, brother, and I then left to our car(by the way, we got free parking!). I went home one of the happiest girls alive. I knew in that moment I had beaten depression. Depression could not win over me.

I’m the girl that beat depression through music.

(It’s funny because all that ^^^ happened yesterday, 2/16/13 <3)

——

So hi everyone, I’m a Finnish girl still recovering from an eating disorder, cutting and self-harming. All of it started when my best friend, Tiitu passed away after having the swineflu. It was terrible and I was broken inside, I didn’t feel like I had a purpose in life anymore, and the pain just grew and grew, so (at age 11) I cut. So deep I passed out, crying out in pain. My parents were not home, so I thought that it would be a good time to do so.

I woke up in a hospital the next day, but all I could think was “I need food” so I shouted it out loud, because no one was in the room. My parents do like me (at least so I think) and I thought they would be there, but they weren’t. Someone came into the room and got me food, and that’s how I got bulimia.

It first started off as just eating a little and then feeling so bad because I know I shouldn’t eat when I’m sad / scared, so I just vomited it out. Sometimes at just the pure thought of it, sometimes I stuck my fingers in my throat. AT THE HOSPITAL.

When I got out, it got worse.

I started eating more and more, which meant I vomited more, of course. I would buy 3 or 4 bars of chocolate on my way home from school, eat them, then vomit, then eat dinner, vomit, eat supper and vomit. Days seemed so long that sometimes I just banged my head against a wall while sitting on my bed, so I could pass out, and my parents would think I just went to sleep early.

Then I moved out of the town everything had happened on, and when I got to my new home, I immeadiately searced for the bathroom. To vomit.

And so I did.

Then I was thinking to myself, “I’m only 11! Why am I doing this!” but still did it, and I never stopped, until last summer.

I realized how much I had changed - how much I hated myself, so I began to avoid bathrooms at all costs. And when I got over it with months and months of therapy, I was so happy. So, fricking, happy. It’s unbelievable that I actually got through it.

I’m the girl who lost her best friend and survived, and will survive.

Thanks for reading.

hello lovelies! I’m currently writing a book about a self-harming, suicidal, anorexic teenager. I want this book to be as realistic as possible, and for that, I need your help. tell me your story, long or short, anon or not, happy or sad, I want to know. I really need this as a base for my novel. stay strong<3

not an anon: click here

anon: click here

im 13 & my parents dont have to be in the room when im at the medical doctor’s office, when they want to give me diffrent medicine for my depression i dont have to wait until my parents agree or disagree. this girl is ” studying nursing ” & ” knows the rules ” but knows NOTHING.